Satire only. These are fictionalized stories for entertainment and community humor. Not medical advice. No actual patient details are used. Sense of humor required.
Dear Diary,
Today was a greatest-hits playlist of fevers, coughs, chills, congestion, sore throats, runny noses, and one very consistent theme: patients absolutely refusing a COVID test while still demanding, “So, what do I have?”
Here’s the thing. The COVID test is just one piece of the puzzle. If it’s positive, I know we’re looking at COVID. If it’s negative, that still leaves influenza, RSV, some other virus—you name it. But at least I’ve eliminated one option. That’s how medicine works: one piece at a time until the picture gets clearer.
But no. These folks aren’t having it. Not because they’ve already been tested. Not because insurance won’t pay. Not because their nose is too sore from yesterday’s swab. The refusal comes from a deep, unwavering belief that COVID itself is some kind of hoax. The fever? Real. The cough? Absolutely real. The goosebumps, the sweats, the hacking, the chills—100% happening. But the virus that explains all of it? Fake news.
COVID is fake? It makes no sense.
It’s literally just the name of a virus. You’ll happily let me swab you for strep. Your throat might barely hurt, but sure, let’s jab a Q-tip into your tonsils. Flu test? Fine, swab away. RSV? No problem. Hell, you’re even asking me for a chest x-ray. But suggest a COVID swab? The audacity! Suddenly I’m part of a global conspiracy.
Meanwhile, you’re sitting there sweaty, sniffling, coughing, and clutching a wad of tissues like your life depends on it. Your taste and smell packed up and left the building days ago. But sure, let’s pretend COVID isn’t a possibility since COVID is fake.
Here’s the problem: you came to me for an answer. You want me to name your illness. You want me to slap a label on your misery. And I’d love to do that! Believe me, providers hate shrugging our way through vague “viral illness” diagnoses. But when you refuse one of the puzzle pieces, you’re cutting me off from the process that might actually help narrow it down.
It’s like asking me to solve a jigsaw puzzle but refusing to give me all the pieces. Then getting mad when I can’t show you the whole picture.
And it’s not just the refusal. It’s the attitude that comes with it.
Patient: “So what is it then?”
Me: “Could be several things. Testing helps me rule some out.”
Patient: “Not COVID. Anything but that.”
Me: “Okay, but you’re coughing, feverish, congested, and can’t taste or smell—those are classic COVID symptoms.”
Patient: “Doesn’t matter. I don’t believe in it.”
Me: blink, blink
You don’t have to “believe” in viruses for them to infect you. That’s not how science works. RSV doesn’t ask if you’re a Republican before it takes up residence in your lungs. Influenza doesn’t care who you voted for. COVID doesn’t knock politely on your door and say, “Excuse me, can I come in only if you believe in me?”
The virus doesn’t care about your politics. But your refusal to test does make my job harder.
Because here’s what happens: without that puzzle piece, I can’t say, “This is COVID.” I can’t say, “It’s not COVID.” I can’t give you the satisfaction of an answer. And that frustrates you. So you push back. You start fishing for antibiotics.
That’s when it gets even more ridiculous! So you won’t believe in COVID, but now you’re inventing a bacterial infection that doesn’t exist. That’s the real irony.
Antibiotics don’t kill viruses. But you still ask, like a prescription is a prize at the end of the visit. You won’t let me use the test that narrows the possibilities, but you want me to throw “magic” pills at you anyway.
Here’s the kicker: you’re not even subtle about why you’re refusing. It’s not fear of the swab. It’s not cost. It’s not discomfort. It’s because you think COVID is made up. Meanwhile, you’re coughing so hard the room shakes. The irony could fuel the whole power grid.
And here’s the truth: healthcare workers hate this. We don’t like “viral syndrome.” We don’t like being vague. We want to give your suffering a name, a plan, a direction. It helps you. It helps us. It helps everyone. But when you refuse to let us collect the pieces, you sabotage your own visit. Then you leave frustrated, and we leave frustrated, and nobody gets what they came for.
But sure, go home and tell your friends, “The clinic couldn’t even tell me what I had.” Maybe leave out the part where you refused the test that would’ve helped me get closer to an answer.
Dear Diary, this is the loop I’m stuck in:
- Patient comes in sick.
- I offer testing as puzzle pieces.
- They refuse COVID testing because “COVID is fake.”
- They demand certainty anyway.
- I say “likely viral” and give a plan with return precautions.
- They leave annoyed.
- I go scream into the supply closet.
And then tomorrow, it starts all over again.
So here’s the bottom line: if you’re sick, let me do my job. If you want an answer, let me collect the puzzle pieces. If you refuse, don’t act shocked when I can’t name your virus. And please, stop pretending it’s allergies and COVID is fake while you’re sweating through your sweatshirt with a fever of 102.
Until then, I’ll be here, Diary. Armed with swabs, sarcasm, and the faint hope that one day, people will realize viruses exist whether you “believe” in them or not.
Sincerely Fake,
