Dear Diary: Neck Pain in the Urgent Care, Meningitis?

Disclaimer
This is a satire website created for entertainment and community purposes only. A sense of humor is required. These entries are fictionalized stories inspired by the daily chaos of urgent care, but they are not real patients, real encounters, or actual medical documentation. Nothing on this site should be taken as medical advice, treatment, or professional guidance. If you think you need medical care, please see a real provider.

Dear Diary,

Tonight’s encore: Neck Pain in the Urgent Care, Act One.

Patient arrives, grimacing, clutching their neck like it’s a medical mystery only urgent care can solve. Duration? Ten minutes. Home remedies tried? Zero. Not a Tylenol, not a frozen bag of peas, not even a lazy stretch. Just straight to me.

Exam: full range of motion. They can spin that head like they’re auditioning for The Exorcist. No tenderness worth mentioning, no swelling, no fever, no neuro deficits. Basically, a minor cervical strain.

But wait—there’s a plot twist. “My stepmother’s aunt’s distant cousin had meningitis once.”

Ah, yes. The ultimate cause. Because if someone, somewhere in your extended family tree once had a serious illness, obviously this mild twinge after looking down at your phone for an hour must be the same thing. Forget OTC meds—why risk it when Great Aunt Shirley’s cousin’s neighbor’s college roommate had meningitis in 1987?

Okay… and let’s pause. IF you actually thought you had meningitis, why the hell would you come here? What exactly do you think I’m going to do about it in a strip-mall urgent care at 7:30 p.m.? If you truly believed you were dying of meningitis, you’d bypass me and head straight to the ER, right? Right??

And symptoms—let’s review those for a second. High fever? Nope. Can’t move your neck at all? Nope. Severe headache, photophobia, projectile vomiting? Nope, nope, and nope. You literally just turned your head to ask if you have meningitis. So, does that really sound like you? NO.

So, lets complete this visit, shall we?

SOAP Note

S:
Patient presents with neck pain x 10 minutes. Reports no trauma, no injury, no sudden onset with concerning features. Denies fevers, chills, headache, photophobia, nausea, vomiting, weakness, numbness, tingling. Admits to trying absolutely nothing at home for relief (no Tylenol, ibuprofen, ice, heat, topical, compression, elevation, or common sense). States, “My stepmother’s aunt’s distant cousin had meningitis once,” and appears convinced this may be relevant.

O:

• General: Sitting comfortably, scrolling phone, looking down, then up, then side-to-side without difficulty.
• Neck: Full range of motion. No significant tenderness to palpation. No swelling, no redness, no deformity, no rigidity.
• Neuro: Grossly intact. Converses normally, able to make jokes about meningitis, so cerebral cortex intact.
• Vitals: Stable. No fever, not septic, not about to die.

A:

1. Neck pain, acute, untreated, non-traumatic, possibly related to existing as a human.
2. Concern for meningitis — only in the imagination.
3. OTC aisle avoidance syndrome, chronic.

P:

• Recommend literally anything from the medicine cabinet: Tylenol, ibuprofen, ice, heat, topical rubs.
• Gentle stretching encouraged; stop staring down at phone like it’s a full-time job.
• Educated patient on actual symptoms of meningitis, none of which they currently have.
• Reassured patient that being related to someone whose stepmother’s aunt’s cousin had meningitis in the 80s does not make them an automatic carrier.
• Discharge home in stable condition with instructions: try basic measures first before paying a co-pay.
• Follow up with PCP if symptoms persist beyond the length of a TikTok video.
• ER if, against all odds, meningitis actually develops.

Signed,